Funny and dry: pictures and jokes

A disappointing submersible (1886)

2011-12-29T17:19:00.000-08:00

The top picture makes one believe that this submarine, known as The Goubet, is a sizable vessel. Far from being so, I'm afraid. A gentleman would have to remove his hat to be comfortable inside this sub, and a gentleman would never do that!

Illustration for a steampunk novel

2011-12-19T08:31:00.000-08:00

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have gathered you here so you can observe from a perfect vantage point the destruction of the entire human civilization. Prepare to witness the awesome power of my electrostatic steam-ray gun!", said Prof. Ubelmauer before bursting into maniacal laughter.

The actual image is of the "world's tallest chimney" in Kearny, NJ. I assume that the chimney was not operational at the time.

Watercycles

2011-12-19T08:02:00.000-08:00

This looks unsafe for the use in one's swimming pool, let alone on top of the salty brine.

Electric belt

2011-12-12T11:02:00.000-08:00

"All in search of health should wear..." I wonder if it's DC or AC.

Deception in advertising

2011-12-12T08:32:00.001-08:00

A classic example of a deceptive ad. Unless you read the fine print you will think that the Prince of Wales needs a governess at 1,000 pounds a year. If you look closely, the ad announces an actors benefit. No idea how they managed to get away wit this, especially using the official V. R. logo.

How to sit down without chairs

2011-12-11T15:51:00.000-08:00

"A regiment of soldiers sitting as above, and forming a circle, can all rest comfortably on each others knees."

Comfortably, really? How about sitting down on the ground?

Dance on the stump of a sequoia: "without suffering any inconvenience" (1853)

2011-12-09T11:45:00.000-08:00

"Upon this stump, however incredible it may seem, on the 4th of July, 32 persons were engaged in dancing four sets of cotillions at one time, without suffering any inconvenience whatever; and, besides these, there were two musicians and lookers on" (Hutchings' Illustrated California magazine, March 1859).

Hors d'oeuvres were served prepared from freshest baby whales!

How to make a pig's head

2011-12-09T10:10:00.000-08:00

So, you need to make a pig's head, ugh? Victorian ingenuity to the rescue:

"Fix a glass between the teeth and cover the glass and head with a handkerchief, marking the pig's eyes with ink. Sounds in imitation of a pig will be magnified to a surprising extent by the resonance of the glass."

Seriously, don't try this one at home. You just might look weird or suffocate.

For the ladies: a catamenial sack (1894)

2011-12-09T08:29:00.000-08:00

Before the arrival of all those convenient feminine products that one sees advertised on TV, Victorian inventors fiddled with a plethora of designs similar to this one. The term for this contraption is catamenial sack. Easy to see how it works... This particular one was designed by Eliza Kirwin, so at least one woman must have used it.

"New Shaving Machine"

2011-12-09T06:38:00.000-08:00

Representation of the NEW SHAVING MACHINE, whereby a number of Persons may be done at the same time with expedition, ease and safety.Manufactured and Sold by D.Merry and Son. Birmingham.

TO THE PUBLIC

Whereas the wonderful powers of this useful Machine are yet but little known, and even doubted by those who have not seen it, the Inventor has for their satisfaction prefixed a Plate representing his Shaving and Dressing Room with six Customers sitting. Pledges himself that his Machine will be foud to do its work in the most safe, smooth and efficacious manner with three scrapes or movements and that those who shall have once tried it will no longer entertain any doubts on the subject, but will smile at the thoughts of being again shaved in the ordinary manual way. The Large Machine, including brushes, cheek and chin razors, completely fitted for shaving from one to twenty persons at a time - seven guineas - and small ones for Gentlemen's private use at three guineas each - The Large Machines are particularly recommended to the Barbers in Fortified and Manufacturing Towns and Villages, on account of their expedition.

REFERENCES to the Print & EXPLANATION

A. a small barel of Soap Suds. B. Soap brush. C. the razor. D. the Master of the shop who directs the position of his Customers' faces. Here his is desiring the Gentleman with the large nose to keep it more to the left, that it may be out of the way. The Pinion wheel E. being turned round, the Machine H. is put in motion & brought to E. and in passing along, the brush, followed by the razor, performs on the right cheek. The faces, the brush & the razor being then reversed a contrary motion of the Wheel does left the left Cheek. And the faces being again turned to the front, the fore beard is done by the instrument at I. which finishes the shaving. - The Boy on the foreground is employed in the ordinary & tedious mode of dressing a Wig. The inventor of the Shaving machine hopes soon to present a much more expeditious Plan of dressing, part of which is exhibited by the Figure on the background discharging the hair powdering gun along the line of Wigs - Seated near him, is a Gentleman already dressed reading the Newspaper - And behind him is a Stranger whose doubts are removed by seeing the ease and safety of the Shaving operation.

This was obviously a joke, but it should create some respect towards the shaving tools that we enjoy in our technologically advanced age.

Napoleon learning the English language (original grammar drills in Bonaparte's handwriting)

2011-12-08T09:36:00.000-08:00

Avez-vous faim?
Are you hungry?

Êtes-vous en colère?
Are you angry?

Banished to the British island of St. Helena, Napoleon spent considerable time learning English. This playing card is an example of his grammar exercises. Above you can observe an attempt to grasp the difference between hungry and angry. Chances are, Napoleon's accent sounded very similar to the ex-emperor's portrayal in Woody Allen's Love and Death.

1. How do you do, sir - madam?
Comment vous portez-vous, Monsieur?

2. Bonjour, Monsieur - bonne nuit.
Good day, sir - good night.

3. D'où venez-vous?
From where do you come?

4. When did you leave England?
Quand êtes-vous parti d'Angleterre?

Silent shave

2011-12-07T06:39:00.001-08:00

Supposedly, the barbers in diving helmets can see and hear, but they cannot talk. I can think of a number of other things that would work. One of them is represented by the sign on the wall: "A talking barber gathers no spondulicks." You guessed right, the rather obscure word (also spelled spondulix) means money. As a piece of social history, notice a small boy working at the barber's shop, also wearing a helmet. Child labor everywhere!

Submarine tricycle

2011-12-07T06:11:00.001-08:00

I suppose with proper ballast this could work...

Pneumatic skate

2011-12-06T09:51:00.000-08:00

"An American Lady-Acrobat Walking Head-downwards by Means of the Pneumatic Skate." Did this really happen?

Cycle Railway

2011-12-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

Cone of death?

2011-12-06T08:04:00.001-08:00

For those in search of new sensations: "It is an immense cone, designed to carry a cargo of fifteen passengers, and to fall from a lofty tower into a well of water. The tower is 300 yards high, and the swiftness of the descent is more than double that of the most rapid express train: the well is about 60 yards deep."

Got noisy children?

2011-12-06T07:08:00.001-08:00

Glass covers for noisy children. One size fits all!

Teleautograph

2011-12-05T08:01:00.000-08:00

Best invention I have seen in a while!

Ocean tricycle

2011-12-05T07:46:00.000-08:00

"The cycle when travelling does not roll or pitch like a steamer, but allows its passengers to enjoy themselves without the fear of sea-sickness."

It looks to me that some ballast would be needed. Otherwise the whole thing would be perilously unstable.

Steampunk goes medieval

2011-12-05T06:46:00.000-08:00

George Moore's invention, "a steam man." The word 'robot' was not yet known in the 19th century, but this design certainly appears to have some robotic qualities to it.

Marriage Crime

2011-12-03T17:07:00.000-08:00

1920s ad for "Strongfortism":

"The man who marries a good, pure woman, knowing that he is not physically fit, commits the worst Crime known to civilization. Where do you stand? Are you fit to marry? Some sweet, innocent girl is trusting in your honor. You must not deceive her. You dare not marry until you are physically fit. The way looks hopless to you, but cheer up -- I can help you"

The list of problem areas that Dr. Strongfort successfully dealt with included: round shoulders, stoop shoulders, blackheads, pimples... Seriously, what kind of monster would ever entertain the idea of marriage while suffering from pimples and blackheads? Unthinkable... A crime against civilization indeed!

To the thinking man! (THIS IS NOT A TOAST!)

2011-12-03T14:57:00.001-08:00

Sure hope this percentage has changed in 100 years!

In case it's not immediately clear, this is an anti-alcohol poster. It could be seen all over Boston in 1911. Makes me wondering if the title of this poster was actually used as a toast: To the thinking man!

Omar cigarettes

2011-12-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Omar Khayyam was not as good at selling cigarettes as an average camel.

Lorgnette goggles -- actual 1914 design

2011-12-02T18:19:00.000-08:00

This design was supposed to "dispense with the awkward and ungainly fastening now customarily used upon goggles," permitting "the wearer to readily hold the goggles in position to protect the eye when it is desired or to remove the goggles at times when there is no necessity for protection, such as when an automobile is stopped or going merely at a slow rate of speed."

Spherical cycle

2011-12-02T16:56:00.000-08:00

Remember the Bubble Boy? This would be an improvement.

Duelling apparatus for gentlemen of weak nerves

2011-12-02T12:01:00.000-08:00

"After a plentiful dose of laudandum and brandy, the principal is placed in the frame, so that he can neither flinch nor falter, and the second, retiring to a safe distance, pulls the string and the pistol is discharged."

"Tram-car for cyclists" - late 19th century

2011-12-02T09:51:00.000-08:00

"The craze for cycling" was responsible for the introduction of specialized streetcars in order to accommodate cyclists and their machines.

Balloon voyage to the North Pole

2011-12-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

Proposed balloon voyage to the North Pole, late 19th century. Note that the actual balloon expedition to the North Pole, headed by S. A. Andrée ended tragically. Perhaps they should have used this design instead (looks very steampunk, by the way).

Advertising on a tomb

2011-12-02T08:52:00.000-08:00

Here lyes Jeremy Jobbins
An affectionate husband and
a tender parent

His disconsolate widow
In hope of a better meating
Continues to carry on
The long established
TRIPE and TROTTER
business
At the same place
as
Before her lamented
bereavement

Reader, Pause & Notice the address

"Armour-plated railway trucks"

2011-12-02T08:26:00.000-08:00

"Armour-plated railway trucks" used during the Franco-Prussian War in 1870.

Soldiers' Mock Court-Martial (British Army, 19th century)

2011-12-02T08:02:00.000-08:00

"From time immemorial it has been the custom in the Army for men to be tried by a mock court-martial for any petty offense they may have committed which has caused inconvenience to their comrades." It appears as though this chap made too much noise in the barracks when returning from his leave. "The photographer took the photograph just before the axe fell, so it is presumed that a reprieve arrived at the last moment, for we understand that all the actors of this humorous scene are still serving their Queen and country"

Self-defense for bears

2011-12-01T17:34:00.000-08:00

Balloon Factory

2011-12-01T17:17:00.000-08:00

Balloon factory in Paris. 19th century. Probably looks a lot like the place where prepare for the Macy's Thanksgiving parade.

Invasion of Britain

2011-12-01T17:09:00.000-08:00

A French raft design for the invasion of Britain. Late 18th century.

Columbus Monument

2011-12-01T12:15:00.000-08:00

This Columbus Monument was designed for the Chicago Exhibition. "Conveying visitors by lift to the Equator, and thence by spiral railway to the North Pole." I don't remember seeing it in Chicago, so I will assume it was never built?

Cat piano

2011-12-01T12:01:00.001-08:00

Cat piano. A fine 19th century invention. "The keys press the cats' tails, each of which mews a certain note." Yes, from the way it's worded it appears as if the tails were expected to be mewing, but I'm sure they eventually figured it out.

19th century tattoos

2011-12-01T11:43:00.001-08:00

The Last Supper tattoo? God will be pleased.

The motto across this late 19th century tattoo enthusiast clearly says "Forget me not." Seriously, how can this be erased from ones memory?

Birthday Greeting

2011-12-01T11:17:00.000-08:00

"Birthday Greeting" by Ernst Payer. Why is this child not frightened to death?

American Knight

2011-12-01T11:10:00.000-08:00

A stunning thing of political propaganda: "American Knight, the world's challenger" (1911). Notice the gauntlet thrown on the ground.

Trained seals (not what you're used to seeing)

2011-12-01T10:56:00.000-08:00

We are used to seals doing clever tricks at aquariums. Usually they balance objects, clap with their flippers and make funny noises. My favorite is when they are used to promote environmental causes (like recycling). The life of a trained seal used to be quite different in the 19th century. They were forced to smoke, play tambourines and fire pistols. As the original caption notes, "They are glad to do this, to escape being skinned to make ladies' jackets."

Lawn Tennis in 1995 (a view from 1885)

2011-11-30T13:05:00.001-08:00

Always interesting how people in the past imagined the life in the following centuries. In this particular case, the artist attempts to guess how far the emancipation of women will go. If you notice, the two young ladies are playing lawn tennis with nothing else but a miniaturized gentleman.

"New Woman" of the late 1890s

2011-11-30T11:38:00.001-08:00

The "New Woman", as portrayed in the 1890s. This image won a prize established by the "Picture Magazine" for best illustration on the subject. It is most curious that the very idea of a woman not wearing corsets was entirely unthinkable! Sure, she's got her fancy trouser-pantaloons (what horror!), but the corset must be worn no matter what.

Curious life-preserver

2011-11-30T11:09:00.000-08:00

"The object is to provide the shipwrecked person with not only a meаns of flotation, but with complete shelter. Inside the enlarged upper chamber, it is proposed to place provisions and a water supply, so that the wearer can stay afloat for a month, if need be, with safety and comfort."

Late 19th century invention by Mr. Trangott Beek of Newark, N.J.

King of Monkeys

2011-11-30T11:00:00.000-08:00

"Here is a portrait of Master Crowley, who, as you children may see, can enjoy his Christmas pudding as much as any of you. It is said that this monkey is very well behaved, and never talks at dinner table unless he is asked, and even then he always agrees with everybody, and shows his approval by remaining silent. He also never sucks his fingers, but uses his knife and fork in the proper manner, and, as may be see in the picture, he can laugh at a joke, but never does so boisterously. He never asks for two helpings of the same dish, and never spills gravy on the table-cloth -- in fact, he is acknowledged by all of his tribe as the King of Monkeys."

Hydraulic railway locomotive

2011-11-30T10:26:00.000-08:00

This 19th century design was supposedly implemented in "some parts of California."

Gentleman with a muff

2011-11-30T10:17:00.000-08:00

Portrait of William of Orange, demonstrating the use of a muff by gentlemen.

I am not that kind of monkey!

2011-11-19T17:54:00.000-08:00

Half-dog, half-duck

2009-01-09T11:36:00.001-08:00

Half-grizzly, half-ibis

2009-01-09T10:57:00.000-08:00

What ladies read in 1914...

2008-10-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

It was a much more innocent time...

"If I pat another dog, my dog is jealous. Men are just the same. Always reward their loyalty with pats and you will have their devotion lavished on you"

(An ad for Woman's Home Companion, July 1914)

Walt Disney on Being a Celebrity

2008-06-11T04:26:00.000-07:00

Walt Disney: Celebrity

Walt Disney is quoted as replying in this manner when asked how it felt to be a celebrity. "It feels fine, when it helps to get a good seat for a football game. But it never helped me to make a good film or a good shot in a polo game, or command the obedience of my daughter. It doesn't even seem to keep fleas off our dogs - and if being a celebrity won't give one an advantage over a couple of fleas, then I guess there can't be much in being a celebrity after all."

Harvard President's Joke

2008-06-11T04:23:00.000-07:00

Storehouse of Knowledge

At a dinner held in his honor one evening, Harvard president Charles W. Eliot (1834-1926) several professors gave him much praise in their speeches. "Since you became president," one colleague enthusiastically remarked, "Harvard has become a storehouse of knowledge."

"What you say is true, but I can claim little credit for it," Eliot retorted. "It is simply that the freshmen bring so much in and the seniors take so little away!"

Einstein Jokes

2008-06-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

Not long after Albert Einstein (1879-1955) fled from Nazi Germany, one hundred German professors published a book (One Hundred Authors Against Einstein) condemning his theory of relativity. "If I were wrong," Einstein said in response, "one professor would have been enough."

Jokes about Kings and Queens

2008-04-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

The great British Cunard oceanliner Queen Mary was orginally to be called Queen Victoria. The head of the Cunard company explained to King George V that he wanted to name the ship after "the greatest of all English queens." Upon hearing this explanation the king replied, "Oh, my wife will be pleased."

* * *

King Louis XI of France was a firm believer in astrology and yet he was somewhat uneasy when an astrologer accurately predicted the death of a lady at court. He felt the astrologer would be better off dead, so Louis called him to his apartments where his servants were ordered to throw him out the window once given the signal.

First, however, Louis asked the man a question, "You claim to understand astrology and to know the fate of others, so tell me what your fate will be and how long you have to live." The astrologer replied, "I shall die just three days before Your Majesty." This so unnerved the king that he decided to let the astrologer live.

* * *

George V, an avid stamp collector, was with his private secretary one afternoon when his secretary remarked,"I see in The Times today that some damn fool has given fourteen hundred pounds for a single stamp at a private sale." The king replied, "I am that damn fool."

* * *

For some time after the restoration of Charles the Second, young smooth-faced men performed the women's parts on the stage. That monarch, coming before his usual time to hear Shakespeare's Hamlet, sent the Earl of Rochester to know the reason of the delay; who brought word back, that the queen was not quite shaved. "Ods fish" (the king employed his usual expression), "I beg her majesty's pardon! we will wait till her barber is done with her."

* * *

In 1649, René Descartes, a famous French philosopher and the author of the "Cogito ergo sum" principle, accepted the invitation of Queeen Christina of Sweden, who was deeply interested in philosophy, and traveled to Stockholm. As he explained to her majesty the basics of his mechanistic philosophy, comparing all living beings to mechanisms, the queen remarked that she had never heard of a watch giving birth to little baby watches.

* * *

King Edward VII of Great Britain was quite a playboy in his day, and his wife, Queen Alexandra had often ignored his infidelities and wild escapades. As he lay on his deathbed, his faithful wife was grief stricken until one reassuring thought occurred to her. She turned to Lord Esher and remarked, "Now at least I know where he is."

Source: History Jokes and Andecdotes

Squillary

2008-04-15T12:46:00.001-07:00

Last thoughts

2008-04-14T08:10:00.000-07:00

Teaching a dog

2008-04-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

KNOWLEDGE

A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a
crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said:
"My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't
teach mine a single trick."

The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, you
see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn
him nothin'."

Jokes about the Congress

2008-04-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

CONGRESS

Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring
valuable information and then doing nothing about it.

* * *

"Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a congressman,
"we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in the class a certain miss whom I know
unconsciously puts us in. It was at a recent examination at her school
that the question was put, 'Who makes the laws of our government?'

"'Congress,' was the united reply.

"'How is Congress divided?' was the next query.

"My young friend raised her hand.

"'Well,' said the teacher, 'what do you say the answer is?'

"Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the Miss
replied, 'Civilized, half civilized, and savage.'"

Confessions. Religious and otherwise

2008-04-08T12:03:00.000-07:00

CONFESSIONS


"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five
years?"

"No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."

* * *

Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught
to report misdeeds promptly. One afternoon she came sobbing penitently
to her mother.

"Mother, I--I broke a brick in the fireplace."

"Well, it might be worse. But how on earth did you do it, Ethel?"

"I pounded it with your watch."


* * *

"Confession is good for the soul."

"Yes, but it's bad for the reputation."

"Any accounts and descriptions of this baseball game may not be dissiminated..."

2008-04-04T11:10:00.001-07:00

BASEBALL
The teacher directed the class to write a brief account
of a baseball game. All the pupils were busy
during the allotted time, except one little boy, who sat
motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave
him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by
one. The fifth minute had almost elapsed when the
youngster awoke to life, and scrawled a sentence. It
ran thus:
"Rain — no game."

Raising suspicions

2008-04-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and
a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken
on prohibited ground. "
Look here, my man," said the commanding officer
to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you
quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird?
Will you swear to him?"

"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I
will say he's the man I suspect o' doing it." "
That's, not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O.,
considerably nettled. "What raised your suspicions ?" "
Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way • —
I see 'im on my property with a gun; then I heerd
the gun go off; then I see 'im putting the chicken in
his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think
the bird committed suicide."

Save the whales!

2008-04-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

SAVE THE WHALES

At the time when petroleum began to be used instead
of whale oil for burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was
deeply perturbed by the change.
"What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales
do now?"

Beauty is no joke

2008-04-03T11:07:00.000-07:00

The fair penitent explained to the confessor how
greatly she was grieved by an accusing conscience. She
bewailed the fact that she was sadly given over to
personal vanity. She added that on this very morning
she had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the
temptation of thinking herself beautiful.
"Is that all, my daughter?" the priest demanded.
"Then, my daughter," the confessor bade her, "go
in peace, for to be mistaken is not to sin."

Matters of religion

2008-04-03T11:02:00.000-07:00

A Scotch Presbyterian clergyman tells the story of a
parishioner who formed a secession with a few others
unable to accept the doctrines of the church. But when
the clergyman asked this man if he and the others worshiped
together, the answer was:
"No. The fact is, I found that they accepted certain
points to which I could not agree, so I withdrew from
communion with them."
"So, then," the clergyman continued, "I suppose you
and your wife carry on your devotions together at home."
"No, not exactly," the man admitted. "I found that
our views on certain doctrines are not in harmony. See,
there has been a division between us. Now, she worships
in the northeast corner of the room and I in the southwest."

The joke's on the teacher

2008-04-03T10:53:00.000-07:00

GRAMMAR IN ACTION

The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman
shouting from a window down the street was calling to
the little girl minding baby brother close by on the
curb. "Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.
The little girl corrected the lady:
"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."

* * *

The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to
the Maypole dance. "No, I ain't going," was the reply.
The teacher corrected the child:
"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I
am not going.' " And she added to impress the point:
"I am not going. He is not going. We are not going.
You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear,
can yon say all that?"
The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.
"Sure !" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."

Colonel's Chickens

2008-04-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

CHICKEN-STEALING
The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry
house late at night. With shot gun in hand, he made his
way to the door, flung it open and curtly ordered:
"Come out of there, you ornery thief !"
There was silence for a few seconds, except for the
startled clucking of the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice
boomed out of the darkness :
"Please, Colonel, dey ain't nobody here 'cept jes' us
chickens !"

A Love Triangle

2008-03-14T08:11:00.001-07:00

A pleasant ride

2008-03-14T08:08:00.001-07:00

Best one ever

2008-03-14T07:22:00.001-07:00

And God said

2008-03-10T07:20:00.000-07:00

Business as usual

2008-03-04T08:14:00.000-08:00

Coast Guard Musings

2008-02-12T07:13:00.000-08:00