Tuesday

What ladies read in 1914...


It was a much more innocent time...

"If I pat another dog, my dog is jealous. Men are just the same. Always reward their loyalty with pats and you will have their devotion lavished on you"

(An ad for Woman's Home Companion, July 1914)

Wednesday

Walt Disney on Being a Celebrity

Walt Disney: Celebrity

Walt Disney is quoted as replying in this manner when asked how it felt to be a celebrity. "It feels fine, when it helps to get a good seat for a football game. But it never helped me to make a good film or a good shot in a polo game, or command the obedience of my daughter. It doesn't even seem to keep fleas off our dogs - and if being a celebrity won't give one an advantage over a couple of fleas, then I guess there can't be much in being a celebrity after all."

Harvard President's Joke

Storehouse of Knowledge

At a dinner held in his honor one evening, Harvard president Charles W. Eliot (1834-1926) several professors gave him much praise in their speeches. "Since you became president," one colleague enthusiastically remarked, "Harvard has become a storehouse of knowledge."

"What you say is true, but I can claim little credit for it," Eliot retorted. "It is simply that the freshmen bring so much in and the seniors take so little away!"

Monday

Einstein Jokes

Not long after Albert Einstein (1879-1955) fled from Nazi Germany, one hundred German professors published a book (One Hundred Authors Against Einstein) condemning his theory of relativity. "If I were wrong," Einstein said in response, "one professor would have been enough."

Wednesday

Jokes about Kings and Queens

The great British Cunard oceanliner Queen Mary was orginally to be called Queen Victoria. The head of the Cunard company explained to King George V that he wanted to name the ship after "the greatest of all English queens." Upon hearing this explanation the king replied, "Oh, my wife will be pleased."

* * *

King Louis XI of France was a firm believer in astrology and yet he was somewhat uneasy when an astrologer accurately predicted the death of a lady at court. He felt the astrologer would be better off dead, so Louis called him to his apartments where his servants were ordered to throw him out the window once given the signal.

First, however, Louis asked the man a question, "You claim to understand astrology and to know the fate of others, so tell me what your fate will be and how long you have to live." The astrologer replied, "I shall die just three days before Your Majesty." This so unnerved the king that he decided to let the astrologer live.

* * *

George V, an avid stamp collector, was with his private secretary one afternoon when his secretary remarked,"I see in The Times today that some damn fool has given fourteen hundred pounds for a single stamp at a private sale." The king replied, "I am that damn fool."

* * *

For some time after the restoration of Charles the Second, young smooth-faced men performed the women's parts on the stage. That monarch, coming before his usual time to hear Shakespeare's Hamlet, sent the Earl of Rochester to know the reason of the delay; who brought word back, that the queen was not quite shaved. "Ods fish" (the king employed his usual expression), "I beg her majesty's pardon! we will wait till her barber is done with her."

* * *

In 1649, René Descartes, a famous French philosopher and the author of the "Cogito ergo sum" principle, accepted the invitation of Queeen Christina of Sweden, who was deeply interested in philosophy, and traveled to Stockholm. As he explained to her majesty the basics of his mechanistic philosophy, comparing all living beings to mechanisms, the queen remarked that she had never heard of a watch giving birth to little baby watches.

* * *

King Edward VII of Great Britain was quite a playboy in his day, and his wife, Queen Alexandra had often ignored his infidelities and wild escapades. As he lay on his deathbed, his faithful wife was grief stricken until one reassuring thought occurred to her. She turned to Lord Esher and remarked, "Now at least I know where he is."

Source: History Jokes and Andecdotes

Monday

Tuesday

Teaching a dog

KNOWLEDGE


A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a
crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said:
"My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't
teach mine a single trick."

The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, you
see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn
him nothin'."

Jokes about the Congress

CONGRESS


Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring
valuable information and then doing nothing about it.

* * *

"Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a congressman,
"we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in the class a certain miss whom I know
unconsciously puts us in. It was at a recent examination at her school
that the question was put, 'Who makes the laws of our government?'

"'Congress,' was the united reply.

"'How is Congress divided?' was the next query.

"My young friend raised her hand.

"'Well,' said the teacher, 'what do you say the answer is?'

"Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the Miss
replied, 'Civilized, half civilized, and savage.'"

Confessions. Religious and otherwise

CONFESSIONS


"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five
years?"

"No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."

* * *

Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught
to report misdeeds promptly. One afternoon she came sobbing penitently
to her mother.

"Mother, I--I broke a brick in the fireplace."

"Well, it might be worse. But how on earth did you do it, Ethel?"

"I pounded it with your watch."


* * *

"Confession is good for the soul."

"Yes, but it's bad for the reputation."

Friday

"Any accounts and descriptions of this baseball game may not be dissiminated..."

BASEBALL
The teacher directed the class to write a brief account
of a baseball game. All the pupils were busy
during the allotted time, except one little boy, who sat
motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave
him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by
one. The fifth minute had almost elapsed when the
youngster awoke to life, and scrawled a sentence. It
ran thus:
"Rain — no game."

Raising suspicions

It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and
a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken
on prohibited ground. "
Look here, my man," said the commanding officer
to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you
quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird?
Will you swear to him?"

"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I
will say he's the man I suspect o' doing it." "
That's, not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O.,
considerably nettled. "What raised your suspicions ?" "
Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way • —
I see 'im on my property with a gun; then I heerd
the gun go off; then I see 'im putting the chicken in
his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think
the bird committed suicide."

Save the whales!

SAVE THE WHALES

At the time when petroleum began to be used instead
of whale oil for burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was
deeply perturbed by the change.
"What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales
do now?"

Thursday

Beauty is no joke

The fair penitent explained to the confessor how
greatly she was grieved by an accusing conscience. She
bewailed the fact that she was sadly given over to
personal vanity. She added that on this very morning
she had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the
temptation of thinking herself beautiful.
"Is that all, my daughter?" the priest demanded.
"Then, my daughter," the confessor bade her, "go
in peace, for to be mistaken is not to sin."

Matters of religion

A Scotch Presbyterian clergyman tells the story of a
parishioner who formed a secession with a few others
unable to accept the doctrines of the church. But when
the clergyman asked this man if he and the others worshiped
together, the answer was:
"No. The fact is, I found that they accepted certain
points to which I could not agree, so I withdrew from
communion with them."
"So, then," the clergyman continued, "I suppose you
and your wife carry on your devotions together at home."
"No, not exactly," the man admitted. "I found that
our views on certain doctrines are not in harmony. See,
there has been a division between us. Now, she worships
in the northeast corner of the room and I in the southwest."

The joke's on the teacher

GRAMMAR IN ACTION

The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman
shouting from a window down the street was calling to
the little girl minding baby brother close by on the
curb. "Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.
The little girl corrected the lady:
"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."

* * *

The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to
the Maypole dance. "No, I ain't going," was the reply.
The teacher corrected the child:
"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I
am not going.' " And she added to impress the point:
"I am not going. He is not going. We are not going.
You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear,
can yon say all that?"
The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.
"Sure !" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."

Colonel's Chickens

CHICKEN-STEALING
The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry
house late at night. With shot gun in hand, he made his
way to the door, flung it open and curtly ordered:
"Come out of there, you ornery thief !"
There was silence for a few seconds, except for the
startled clucking of the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice
boomed out of the darkness :
"Please, Colonel, dey ain't nobody here 'cept jes' us
chickens !"

Friday

Monday

And God said



Tuesday